Published November 19, 2006
someday i shall see
who I'm ment to be
but now i just ponder
the thought of wander
away from this place
and stare them in the face
tell them what i mean
and show them that I'm keen
no way today
am i gonna stay
and watch you parade
like its your day
to say
i way know who i am
i may know who I've been
but today of all days
i shall say
no one knows anyway
but i will see
who i can be
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140,910 Literary Works • 673,728 Reviews
This is a good piece, but just like with everyone else, I think that you could be a little more precise with your writing standards. Your poem could andshould have a better structure to it, that includes a number of different verses/stanzas. This would make it more appealing to the reader and also, leave slight pauses for the thinker, making it sink deeper.
I liked the story line and some of the imagary was good. In some places it flowed well and the rhyming was done wonderfully, but you have done this is the wring places. They may be good, but you could check and make sure that when the reader scans the piece, they are not bombarded with rhymes at one exact moment.
Proofread your work before you post, and check for spelling, grammar, punctuation and most of all, check to see if it is any good. In some places the writing is slack and drab, a bit hit and miss and may not interest the most complex of minds.
Well, this poem has potential thats all under wraps...
Changes I'd make:
ment= meant
"the thought of wander
away from this place"
wandering away... (this would flow better)
"no way today" You need punctuation.
No way, today...
" i way know who i am " What??? Is the "way" supposed to be there?
What I liked:
"stare them in the face " Imagery
What I didn't like:
Jesus, the spelling, the missing endings of words, the lack of punctuation........
Hope this helps,
Lexy
x
x
x
It could be effective, but i also agree you definitely need to take more time with your poetry. Also, in the future if you are goin to post 4 poems at the same time, try to approach each one differently. Instead of using rhyming couplets for all of them.
I agree, this is a very sloppy writing. Also, try not to post four poems at once. Instead, post one that has been revised.
-Tony
Hi, photoboothx<3 -
Take better notes in your English class--the abundance of spelling errors is ridiculous.
One of the things that makes poetry very difficult is the effort to create an "Aha!" in a very confined space.
It appears you didn't even try to do this.
"I'm not sure who I am yet" - a bit less than a new insight, isn't it?
Best,
Brad